Still Here.

Bob Basque, LCSW

There wasn't a generation ahead of us demonstrating how to be a gay man at sixty-five, or seventy, or eighty. Most of us are improvising — figuring out aging, and bodies that changed without asking, and friendships that got harder to make, and what to do with years we may not have planned on having.

You don't have to figure this out by yourself.

What this is

A small ongoing therapy group for gay men in the second half of life. We meet every other Thursday for ninety minutes. Membership is capped at ten, and men join and leave over time rather than starting and finishing together as a class.

Each session has a starting point — a topic that opens the door — and then the group goes where it needs to go. Some mornings we stay with the topic. Often something more pressing shows up and we follow that instead.

Our generation was shaped by the epidemic. Some of us are living with HIV; all of us lost people. It's in the room whether or not it's the subject on a given day, and it doesn't have to be explained here.

What this isn't

Not a lecture, and not a class. Not a support group where everyone takes a turn reporting in. Not a place you have to be in crisis to belong. And not somewhere you'll be asked to perform being fine - it is a place to show up, exactly as you are, and you are welcome no matter how you are feeling.

Things we end up talking about

Making a new friend at sixty
The life you didn't plan for
Becoming invisible in the gay world
Sex and intimacy now
Who's still here
Solitude and loneliness
The body you have now
Who would you call at 2 a.m..
Putting it in writing
What you kept and what you threw out
The ones who didn't make it
What you still want
The days are long now
How you got through and what it cost

How it works

Before you join, you and I meet one-to-one. That's a real conversation, not an interview — a chance to hear what the group is actually like, ask whatever you want to ask, and decide without anyone watching. Some men come to that meeting and decide it isn't for them. That's a fine outcome.

Medicare and many other insurance plans are accepted, and I'll tell you what it costs you before you commit to anything.

Space is limited to ten.

Questions men ask before they join

I've never done group therapy. Isn't it awkward?

The first session usually is, a little. By the second or third, it stops being a group of strangers. Nearly everyone who's nervous about this turns out to be nervous about the same thing, and it helps to find that out.

What if I don't want to talk?

Then don't. Nobody is put on the spot, and you don’t have to share until you are ready. Some men listen for a few sessions before they say much. Listening is a meaningful way to participate, and you are under no pressure to disclose anything you are not ready to share.

What if I run into someone I know?

It happens — San Diego is not that large, and the gay world here is smaller still. Everyone in the group agrees to keep what is said within the group and in that space.

What if I try it and hate it?

Then you stop. There's no contract and nothing to get out of. I'd ask you to come and say so rather than disappear, because in a room of men who have watched a lot of people vanish, that can be harder than it would be elsewhere.

Am I too old? Too young?

The group is for men fifty-five and up, and it runs older than that. If you're in the range and it sounds like it's for you, it probably is.

Can I do this and see you individually?

Yes, and several men do. We'd talk in the one-to-one meeting about how the two fit together.

How to start

Call 760-523-9000 and say you're interested in the Thursday group. We'll set up a time to talk one-to-one. No commitment at that stage, and no pressure afterward.

If you're not sure, call anyway. That's what the first conversation is for.

Nobody showed us how to do this part.